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(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/feed)

Verb:

1. give food to.
2. supply (a machine) with material, power, or other things necessary for its operation.

Noun:

1. an act of giving food, especially to animals or a baby, or of having food given to one.
2. a device or conduit for supplying material to a machine.

Like a lot of people, I struggle with my relationship to facebook. I flip flop between enjoying the ability to see my friends kids nearly every day no matter where they live and absolutely despising it. As a therapist, I tend to lean toward despising it. I hear time and time again in my practice, “well on facebook  insert cruel comment or evidence of harassment here.”

It hit me the other day when I caught myself in a pattern that I tend to mindlessly adapt. Somehow, with out thinking, I will begin to check fb and my email at one time throughout my workday. As if fb posts/emails/whatever are just as important as running my business.

I caught myself and was immediately frustrated. What is it about this platform that leads to such mindless consumption? I am an intentional person. I have to be both as a business owner and therapist. So what is it about fb that gives it the power to insert it’s self into my life without me hardly noticing?

The fb “Feed.”

It struck me how powerful that term is. As if fb is offering nourishment. As if the information that it chooses for me to see is all I need.

It reminded me of a Rich Roll Podcast I listened to recently with Andrew Morgan. Andrew said he was challenging the narrative we are continually conditioned to accept by the media, “we are consumers first, people second.”

That is what Facebook tells you every time you log on. Every time you scroll through your “Feed.” You are a consumer. Fb has created a virtual world in which you are what you buy, post, produce, achieve, manifest, spend time doing, drive, and where you work. All the other seemingly endless variations of the complex human experience are excluded.

I don’t know about you but I prefer to be fed by more nourishing  sources. Family and friends, good books, nature, serving in my community, the joy of adventure, long walks with Abbeygale, gratitude, and God.

What feeds you?

 

 

The beauty of the mountain
I’ve dreamed of it
I’ve migrated to it
I’ve lived it

The beauty of exploration
Getting to know the lines
The way the powder settles across it
The way the wind reorganizes

A run all to my own
Feeling the controlled fall down the slope
Conquering steep edges that once filled me with fear
It feels like a blessing every time my ski flexes to meet my feet

A quiet I had long searched for
The cold against my face
The quiet sadness when it ends
Always greeted by the promise of winter’s return

 

Over the weekend I found myself listening to Dave Ramsey. I often listen to him when I feel like I need a kick in the pants. Even though Michael and I are very dedicated and loving living debt free… there are moments when I get impatient with saving and waiting.

While I was listening to good ol’ Dave I realized there have been so many second and third order side effects to being debt free. Here are a few I am thankful for:

Discovering what it means to dream big: It wasn’t until the debt was gone that Michael and I began to have real dreams. Not just goals or hopes. But big life changing dreams. For us these dreams include travels, living in a place of our choosing, being a future stay at home parent, and creating a business built on helping others not continuing the status quo. These dreams are so much bigger and so much more meaningful than what I used to think of as dreams.

A new found tool to make things happen: When we were first getting out of debt budgeting was a huge pain in the ass. It sometimes caused arguments and it was painful to watch such a huge portion of our hard earned money go to past events (like school debt and past vacations). 4 years later I LOVE the budget. Every month I get to see our money work for us. It works towards dreams and building the life we want. It goes towards blessing others and being a loving impact on our community. When an opportunity comes up budgeting adds fuel to the fire making it feel like anything is possible.

Once it’s done it’s done (no financial hang overs): This is one of my favorites. I love returning to work after a vacation and continuing toward other goals. It was terrible going on a great vacation like our honeymoon only to return home to a huge bill. We don’t have to live that feeling of regret ever again. When we spend money on a large purchase there is always a lot of thought that goes into it because we had to save for it! And once the money is spent there isn’t a void or a moment of wishing we hadn’t spent that money because that money was only for that vacation/car/whatever.

The ability to love others more fully: I love setting aside money and time to give away to others. And when we budget, I have peace of mind knowing that our life is taken care of. It makes giving so much more enjoyable. It never feels like a stretch or an inconvenience. I know how much I can give freely each month and it fills me with joy to do so.

Every dollar matters: Since becoming debt free and seeing the power of the budget, every dollar has more meaning. I fully feel the impact of every dollar earned and spent. It has inspired me to use our money for things I believe in every day. For me this means not spending my money on genetically modified foods, buying organic produce to reduce the use of pesticides in my body and the environment, and paying more attention to where products in my house come from. I care more about knowing what is going into my body and my home. Being debt free opens my eyes to a world of choice. I don’t feel blindly driven by adds or popularity because I know I am free to make my own decisions.

 

My ankle has continued to be angry with me. Nothing seems to make it feel 100%.

I am at peace with the break though. From August 2015-August 2016 I have trained and competed in two 50ks. I am very satisfied with my first year of ultra running. And I am happy to take some time to reflect, set new goals, and come back stronger next year.

The real downfall is that without the time running I have nothing to write about! It was my secret ingredient. Being out in the wilderness on trail brought the best and most creative energy to my life.

Maybe ski season will do the same…

 

I remember a past life not too long ago. A daily experience of feeling more stress and sadness than anything else. I felt hurried to move forward and yet trapped at the same time. Often bound to my car as my only mode of transportation to the people and things that connected me. It would have appeared to most that I was in fact moving forward. One job lead to the next. Degrees lead to graduations. Yet, there was a part of me, deep down, that felt it was being smothered. The person I wanted to be and the person that was felt at times like opposites.

Being a good Christian woman I tried to pray harder, to dig deeper into faith and be a “better person.” I tried to do more good in the world. To stop negative thoughts and to control myself. I tried scheduling and organizing my days and time as if I could some how stay busy enough to not be sad. I moved houses, changed friends, went to this church or that church, I read books, I talked to friends, and still that feeling didn’t change.

Until one day I adopted a new philosophy. I realized that I didn’t know what would bring me more joy. I wasn’t even sure I truly knew joy. Sure, I had joyous moments in life but I didn’t have many hobbies or activities that brought me daily joy.  I wasn’t even sure what part of me continued to be smothered despite all of the good around me. So I started to just create space for it.

I removed one thing that made me unhappy at a time. And for a while it was hard to find what about my life was making me unhappy. Some days I just focused on the parts that did make me happy. Spending time with Michael and Abbey, making time for friends, letting go of rigid rules, being in nature… and over time it became clear what parts needed to be removed. Traffic on I-5, spending time in my car, feeling pushed indoors by the weather, the lightening fast pace of a growing metropolitan environment, the feeling that nature was so close but so far away and the feeling of having to keep up.

It has taken me much longer than I anticipated. And this journey has included more stages, transformation and perseverance than I ever could have imagined. But on this last trip to Washington I realized somehow, I had found joy in my daily life. And that joy was in being authentically me. Listening to myself as a kind compassionate friend and not a critic. Giving myself permission to let go of the places and things that didn’t nourish my soul. I don’t expect that life as it is will fit me forever. The important part is that I have learned feelings are not always obnoxious obstacles to overcome. They are the most valuable guides to who you were created to be.

I had a wonderful time in Washington visiting friends. But for the first time ever, I experienced joy in coming home to the life I have built in both work and play.

A little over a year ago I was listening to an interview with Robin Arzon on the Rich Roll podcast. They were discussing how habits shape life and Robin threw out the challenge to run a 5k (3.1 miles) every day in the months that are 31 days long. At the time that seemed nearly impossible. At the time I was celebrating running two or three times a week but was starting to dream the lofting goal of being an ultra-distance trail runner.

So when I heard Robin on Rich’s podcast again a couple weeks ago and she threw out the challenge a 10k (6.2 miles) a day for the month of July, I was all over it. Her exact words were, “what if you can fly?” And that sums up the last two years of my life.

After loosing so much in the house fire, I have continually questioned everything. The fire created fertile grounds for recreating life. Added on top of that was that Michael and I were debt free. There was really nothing in our way but ourselves. So in the process of rebuilding I have bumped up against these questions and started to wonder. It has been as simple as adding an additional question. Instead of just thinking about the evidence I had that appeared to prove what could go wrong or why I couldn’t do something, I forced myself to ponder the evidence that I could.

Every time I have done this exercise I have realized my “evidence” for why I couldn’t was often as made up or unknown as the “evidence” that I could. In essence, it was never evidence at all. They were just rules I had made up and stopped questioning.

The other part was realizing just how many flipping times I give everyone else (literally everyone else) the benefit of the doubt EXCEPT myself. So basically, I was always willing to put my money on someone else but not on myself. …. It doesn’t take a degree in marriage and family therapy to figure out, that is messed up!

So, this past year in particular, I have let rules go. I have tested my limits and have been unbelievably rewarded. My body and mind continue to adapt making it possible to take it to the next level or to start to dream bigger and bigger.

And here I am, day 6 of the 10k a day. More tired than I thought I would be, but also extremely happy with what I have experienced. It has forced me to run when I otherwise would not, whether it be muscle soreness or hot weather, it has brought about so much perspective on my business and direction, and most of all I am reminded every day that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible.

Resources:

Robin Arzon

http://www.robinarzon.com/

Rich Roll Podcast

http://www.richroll.com/podcast/robin-arzon-3/

Some delicious vegan recipes from one of my favorite cook books

http://www.outsideonline.com/1976086/4-delicious-vegan-recipes-athletes

For the past couple of weeks I feel I keep running into those magical moments when the Universe responds with a resounding “YES!”

My thirty one miles for thirty one years project for my birthday went relatively flawlessly. I was planning on making a video, and I sitll might, but the GoPro camera pooped out after the first bike ride…. so we will see what I can do with pictures and phone camera video.

Those thirty one miles felt magical though. This was the first birthday I felt I took full control. I didn’t rely on others and hope that they some how read my mind and guessed exactly what I wanted to have happen and then perfectly execute it. That is way too much to ask. Instead, I took a long look at myself and my life and asked “how do I want to spend my time on my birthday?” knowing full well that Michael and my friends had to work. It was easy then to plan a challange involving some of my favorite sports. Here is the break down in case you missed it on instagram and facebook:

18.4 mile road bike

4.2 mile mountain bike

4.4 mile trail run

4 mile road run with Fleet Feet

On top of all that birthday fun has been opportunities in business and running that have come up. A few runners I really look up to have taken interest in my running and I’ve been invited to group runs I always wanted to attend.

Business is still limping along, but at least I have made more connections and had more confirmation that I am in the right spot doing the right stuff for the time being. It would be great to one day make a paycheck though. But this time around, I feel confident in the foundation I am building for the practice. This time I am going to have more teaching opportunities and community involvement than before. I am hoping that leads to a lot more satisfaction and less time sitting in a small office.

 

It seems that staycation gets a bad wrap. I googled staycation before writing this blog and found all sorts of crap about how to make your home feel like a resort or things to do while on staycation. But no where did I find the simple bliss of just being. No commitments, no schedules, no obligations, and a lot less technological interference.

Last week Michael and I celebrated our seven year anniversary by avoiding TSA, long car rides, and uncomfortable hotel beds in favor for sleeping on our wonderful temurpedic mattress, cooking our own delicious food, and doing whatever we felt like. It was so awesome!

Not even two years ago if someone suggested staying at home with time off from work I would have been annoyed… well… I guess I should be more specific. If Michael had suggested a staycation while he was in the Army or graduate school I would have been pissed!

It lead me to do a lot of reflecting about what has happened over the past seven years…

Once upon a time we lived a life filled with long commutes, very long work hours, and short weekends. When Michael left the Army he had over 30 days vacation stored up meaning we didn’t take any additional time off (just holidays). YUCK! Looking back, I don’t know how we did it. I remember as a new wife I wanted to work along side his insane Army schedule, often putting in 50+ hour weeks myself.

In contrast, today Michael drove the full 2.5 mile commute to work and I started on this blog after a long walk with Abbey. Our blurring over worked days are long gone. It was a huge undertaking but I am so grateful we both changed careers. Most days feel like a holiday now. I get to work with people doing meaningful therapeutic work, engage my creative side in all sorts of crazy projects I make up, and set my own schedule. It has taken some hard work, especially moving to Bend but over the past six months it has been coming together.

So when I started researching travel for our anniversary this year and looked at hotel prices, flight costs, and overall headache of travel I thought to myself, “Why bother?” Michael and I used to happily drive the 6.5 hour drive to Bend multiple times a year just to flee our hectic life. One time we drove the long way (through Hood River… over 8 hours of driving) and stayed in Bend ONE NIGHT before driving back home to make it to work on Monday.

The past week was the best staycation. We did whatever we wanted when we wanted. Rode the scooter, cooked and experimented with recipes, slept when we were tired, read, played with Abbey and took her on adventures, explored Crater Lake. It was awesome. And it signified the accomplishment of a very big lofty dream we had long ago. I can’t even call it a goal because deep down I didn’t know if it was possible. But Michael and I heard Tim Keller speak on the idea of vacation and that living your purpose in life shouldn’t require checking out and vacating your everyday life. So we dreamed of one day living in a place with careers and a lifestyle that didn’t require us to hit burn out and vacate but instead living a simple life that we love. It’s not perfect…. but I am so grateful for the journey that lead us here.

And somehow, last week we ended up in all the right places to represent this transformation. It wasn’t planned but see the pictures for yourself 🙂