I have had very few words to share in 2018. I was under a rock of grief, loss, confusion, shame, comparison, and fantasy. The loss of Michael’s father seemed to kick off a downward spiral that brought every aspect of our life into question.
As I look back over 2018 I am struck by two lessons I learned. First, the tiny things truly matter and secondly, you can’t stop a spiritual journey.
The tiny things truly matter: The cup of tea made by a friend, the people you run around on trails with a few times a month, the guy who pumps your gas and swaps Sasquatch stories with you, the friends that quickly become family, the path you walk your dog each morning, the amount of time you don’t spend in traffic, and the kind person who works in your office building all matter. I was reminded while seeing a play version of Miracle on 34th Street that those tiny intangible things are what matter most. They add up to build a life of purpose, love, and generosity. Those seemingly tiny things are the ingredients to your specific recipe for joy.
You cannot stop a spiritual journey (no matter how hard you try): I had always felt I was on a spiritual journey but it wasn’t until I arrived home to find our house on fire that I knew without a doubt it was true. And it wasn’t until a few weeks ago in one of the long debriefing conversations that Michael and I seem to have often about 2018, we both began to see all the symbolism in trying to return to Washington. It wasn’t really about the place; it was about a desire to return to life before. A time when Michael’s parents were both alive, we were 5 years younger, still tied tightly to the structure of a graduate school program, still in familiar patterns and military life. I remember earlier this year battling myself about the private practice. Shouldn’t it be easier? Shouldn’t there be more of a flow? Why is this all so difficult? How do I find myself trying to convince my husband to stay in a place we love so much?
None of it has been easy but that doesn’t make it wrong. The business I have built here is important in bringing new approaches and concepts to an area that doesn’t always have that. Also, lets face it, I just love this place. I have loved it since the moment Michael and I arrived on our honeymoon almost ten years ago. It has become home.
One of the arguments in the trial of Kris Kringle in the Miracle on 34th Street was:
If this court finds that Mr. Kringle is not who he says he is, that there is no Santa, I ask the court to judge which is worse: A lie that brings a smile or a truth that draws a tear.
While my adult Westernized and competitive brain finds issue with that logic… my heart tells me there is truth in there. Another way to say it:
“Choose to think a better feeling thought” Abraham Hicks.
When I boil things down, from hours spent with people assessing what bothers them and what brings them joy, I’ve come to conclude so much of our lives are build from these tiny thoughts, moments, beliefs, habits, and the little grains of sand that trip us up. 2018 has made me sure of this truth.
In 2019 I will choose better feeling thoughts. I hope you do too 🙂